The Long Road

I probably haven’t walked “the long road” long enough to earn the right to even talk about it. I’m referring to the long road of publishing. Others have travelled further than me, and over rougher terrain. Many don’t reach their destination.

As for me, I don’t know if there is an end. Perhaps I’ll find only endless curves leading to more curves. A never-ending series of false hopes. There are plenty of places to stop, pause, or exit altogether if the road runs too hard. I hear plenty of inner voices and feel the pull of a dozen alternative activities that offer respite from self-imposed work. Why and how do I resist? Sometimes I don’t, after all, it’s easy to give in. Deciding now’s the perfect time to eat a bowl of cereal is the simplest out there is. But there’s something inside me that fights against that, and if it doesn’t get me back in the computer chair, at the very least it makes me feel guilty for neglecting this second job.

Perhaps this is the universal journey of authors.

Why Has It Been So Long, Friend?

My last blog post appeared almost three years ago. I’m not sure if I can fully explain why it’s been so long. Partly I think I’d been writing so many blog posts while neglecting to write stories, almost as if the blog was one of those temporary escapes. The loss of focus on what I really wanted to do ate at me. For a variety of reasons, from the time I started the blog I was trying to publish every week (which then became every two weeks, and then every month, and then…nothing). Authors in similar positions as me said having a blog was the only way to sell books once they’re published. I believed them. Since then, I have come to two realizations. First, I don’t think it’s true. Second, I don’t have any books published.

Allegedly, publishing companies don’t market books they print (true or not? I don’t know), and it’s left to authors. Those who have an online following—for example a successful blog—are more likely to sell books. If you don’t have the followers, you don’t sell. This is the line people feed each other, and at the time I thought it was good advice. So I blogged.

Please don’t misunderstand, I like writing blogs. I can’t say why, since I’m not usually inclined to share my thoughts in person, but the blog feels different. It might be because I can type and delete and retype, and in the end say everything the way I want to. Talking is hard after all. Either way, for the past three years I’ve focused on writing the stories I want to write instead of the blog. The novel I posted about in November 2019 ended up being rejected by all the agents I sent it to (maybe 50 or more). And in the end I stopped sending it out, because it obviously needs more work.

Then I started a new book. I’m halfway done with what might be the “almost done” draft. That’s part of the reason this post has come to be. I’m stuck on Chapter 13, and I need an outlet to clear my head.

Writing is a long road.

Where Am I Going?

I wish I knew how to answer this question. A vision has enticed me for a long time: published author, books signings, reviews, and so on. Seeing the book on the bookshelf at Barnes and Noble would be the achievement that tells me “I’m there”. But writing solely for the purpose of getting to that point has been less than fulfilling. On the other hand, writing only the stuff that pleases me and doesn’t interest anyone else might be mentally relaxing, but it doesn’t eat up the figurative miles. Doing that resembles more of a figurative spinout or something (whatever analogy makes sense for you).

I’m straddling a line that is narrower than I first anticipated. I’m trying to stay true to my course, that is producing the kind of writing that’s authentic to me. At the same time, the book I’m writing needs to be something marketable, or else the Barnes and Noble dream evaporates.

It would be silly to think I’m the only person who’s ever gone through this. I’m sure it’s common to almost everyone trying to do anything in any art. The marketing is part of the job, but the creation is why we got into it in the first place. I think deep down, we all sort of feel like it isn’t a job, but the economics of wanting to eventually sell force job-like characteristics into the process.

That’s kind of annoying, especially for stubborn people like me.

So the question of where I’m going is answered. The long road ahead means balancing salability and self-fulfillment. I need to do both, because the vision is Barnes and Noble, but I won’t ever get there if I don’t enjoy the trip. In the end, I want to retain the excitement I had when I wrote this post back when I hadn’t yet hit any potholes or speedbumps or gravel patches. If I don’t do that, there’s no way I’ll make it to the end.

The long road of writing might be marked by a multitude of exits (and excuses for each), but for now, I only see one destination for me. It’s the continued steps forward.

My Road Trip

From here, I intend to update the blog but only at a frequency of once every few months or so. I don’t want to wait too long between updates, because I like doing it. Besides, it takes forever to remember how to format photos for the website and I’m out of practice. In contrast, I don’t want to feel the pressure to write a clever post every week like I used to (not that anyone but me was pressuring me, and not that they were terribly clever, although I still think the title of my lone movie review post “Rey of Hope” was sort of clever).

But the road I’m on is an author road. So my focus will be primarily there. If I were you, I wouldn’t set a watch by my blog posts. I’m likely to miss a few.

I would say this blog is my rest stop for today as I continue down the long road. When I become unmotivated or writing feels like a chore that I want to quit, this less demanding form will hopefully help re-energize me. At least, I’m going to give it a shot. The Barnes and Noble book-on-the-shelf destination is still my goal. Road trips can sometimes end up at places we don’t intend. Although I don’t know what will happen as I continue on the long road, I’m hopeful I’ll end at a bookstore near me.

Thanks for walking with me for a bit.

Thanks for reading. Comment below and tell me what you think.

Also, you might like to read my post entitled All the Light.

Image Credits
James Wheeler on VisualHunt
Pasi Mammela on VisualHunt.com
Chris Hunkeler on VisualHunt.com
TimOve on VisualHunt

November 5, 2019

A Query: Sounds Harmless, Right?

I sent out query letters about a week ago. I’d describe querying as jumping off a cliff in the dark. You don’t know what’s out in the gloom, where the bottom is, how long it takes to get there, or how much the landing is going to hurt.

If you’re an author, you already know what querying means, and you know it’s stressful. Sending out query letters is how authors find agents. Agents sell books to publishers. Trying to write a query is the perfect way to ruin an introvert’s day.

The good news is, my book is finished (I think). The bad news is, I don’t know if it’s really good enough or not. Only an agent can decide that.

Rejection

I’ve already heard back from three of the eleven agents I sent queries to. All rejections (of course, or else this post would be written in all caps and probably would have no grammar or punctuation whatsoever, way more exuberant than this was). If you’ve spent anytime reading about famous authors, you already know rejection is part of the job.

J.K. Rowling was rejected many times before Harry Potter ended up on bookshelves.

Even knowing that, it still stings.

The agents who rejected me were extremely polite, and I appreciate that. I hope that at least one of the remaining eight (I’m not counting…of course I am) will give me a shot.

Trust me, you’ll hear about it if it happens.

Getting to a Query

Writing is mostly a solitary endeavor. Mostly. I’ve been working on the book I hope to get published since fourth grade. But I’ve only REALLY been working on it (diligently) since 2017. I posted a little about it back then. In January of 2019 I thought I was done.

I was not.

I sent the book to two very reliable and honest people who kindly read it and gave me some feedback. Very good and helpful feedback. Some of it, I didn’t want to hear. But I’m glad they said what they did.

Since this book might never get published, I might never get to write that little acknowledgement paragraph at the end of it where I thank all the wonderful people who helped me out. So I’m going to do it here, just in case.

Jeremy and Kaatje read the rawest and worst version of my story. Fortunately for all of us, it will never be that bad again. They both gave me essential feedback, for which I honestly will be forever grateful.

Jeremy convinced me to “speed up” the beginning, which I really struggled to do, probably didn’t do enough, but I tried my best. Kaatje really helped me improve on some character development and to lose some boring middle stuff. She also helped (prodded) me to put in a little romance (way out of my comfort zone), which I think has added an incredibly important and wonderful dimension to the story.

More Help

Writing is solitary, but editing and revision needs teamwork. I had a wonderful group of beta readers. In all the writing speak blogs I’ve read, as well as words from many authors, Jeremy and Kaatje would be called “first readers.” The next group is called “beta” readers, not second readers. I don’t make the rules.

My beta readers don’t know it, but they should be so grateful to my first readers who saved them from some very horrible reading material.

For four month after my first readers gave me feedback, I went back and edited and revised and edited. I got to the point where reading any of my own chapters really made me angry. I hated everything I had written. But by June of 2019, I was sure I was done.

I was wrong again.

Beta readers take whatever it is the author thinks is ready to publish, and then they say why it isn’t. I appreciated their catching typos, which were many, and plot holes, and out-of-character dialogue, and many more things. I had all of that.

Even more useful were the ideas they had to improve, to refine, and to modify. My beta readers were Caleb, Colleen, Emily, Jeannine, Julie, Ralph, and Scott. I can’t list all the things they helped with, but it was a lot.

I had to write about five new chapters, changed the title three times (not as big a deal as you think), rearranged or cut a lot of things, and revised almost everything (literally). It was all important and to be honest, crucial. I understand my own story much better because of them and the product is better.

It’s impossible to describe how much I owe them for spending their time reading my book.

Agents

I suppose you could call agents “third readers”, but I’m not sure what the code word is. First readers, beta readers, so maybe tertiary readers? I don’t know. I guess an editor might be in there somewhere too. It’s too much trouble to figure that out. I heard from my last beta reader in August or September and spent the next two months working on new edits to prepare to query.

I thought I was ready.

Agents decide if a book gets considered for publishing, the first ones to decide anyway. They reject things quickly, like if there’s a typo in your query letter. They have to be merciless because of the number of submissions they receive daily. That’s only one reason why it’s stressful for me: what if I make a mistake?

But more than that, much more, is that the agent also decides if my writing’s any good. I think it is. And a few other people said they did too. But the agents hold the keys to the door to the publisher. I’ve had nine great people review and give me feedback. But that won’t matter if the agent says no.

Makes it hard to sleep at night.

In the end, if they reject it, hopefully they’ll also include some feedback as to what I can do better, and then I can try again.

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April 8, 2019

Tradition and Change

I recently finished Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe. The first time I read it was in high school, and I think I missed some of the meaning. His contrast of the clash between tradition and change, and its effect on a society is enthralling. He writes in a short, minimalist style, allowing the reader to add in meaning on their own. This book explores the difficulties of the human condition without apology.

His story explored conflicted and deep characters that spoke to me. Both were compelling as they exposed our universally shared struggle against our own flaws. The ending is simultaneously heart wrenching and thought-provoking.

It’s my kind of story.

The Hugo-ness of Things Fall Apart

I have written about Les Misérables before, and it is without a doubt my favorite piece of literature. Things Fall Apart is not Les Mis, neither in style nor scope, and wasn’t intended to be. But I was reminded throughout of one of my favorite Hugo characters: Javert.

Javert is often considered a villain, but I don’t agree with that. The main character in Things Fall Apart, Okonkwo, is just like him. In Hugo’s novel, Javert is a fatalistic and deterministic police officer trapped between the incongruity of his worldview and the actions of his adversary, Jean Val Jean. He battles with a deep and protracted conflict within himself because of his firmly held belief that people cannot change and cannot escape their inborn evil (or goodness). Jean Val Jean consistently disproves Javert’s beliefs, and the police officer is never able to completely reconcile these two things.

Jean Val Jean behaves in ways that do not match Javert’s preconceived notions of him. In the end, Javert, unable to live with this dichotomy, especially because he finds himself beginning to disbelieve his own tenets, ends his own life.

Okonkwo, by comparison, is a powerful and respected member of a tribal group of the Igbo people of lower Nigeria. He fiercely follows and upholds the traditional laws of his tribe without pause or remorse. Even when he is subjected to one of their laws, he does not attempt to evade it or plead for a reprieve. Instead, he submits to the punishment with the internal conviction that this is the way things are and should be. Obedience is his way of life, and he expects conformity from everyone else as well. Javert would have been proud.

A Tragic Flaw

What makes Okonkwo most like Javert is his inability to understand a different point of view, his complete devotion to his own way of thinking, and his uncompromising approach to all conflicts, even internal ones. Okonkwo and Javert share a bond in strict discipline, absolute adherence to their worldview, and profound stubbornness. For both, this code is their greatest strength as well as the cause of their ultimate downfall.

Okonkwo’s ultimate fear, and his tragic flaw in the classical sense, is to appear weak. He differs from Javert in this respect. Everyone in Okonkwo’s village knows he is a strong, ambitious, and respectable leader of their community. He represents the strength and history of their people. And yet Okonkwo is internally haunted by the fear of losing any piece of his image or standing.

To preserve his façade, he abandons any kind of behavior that he perceives as weak, such as mercy, compassion, or patience. And ironically, these holes in his character ultimately make him weak and fallible.

Okonkwo works hard, both on his farm, and for his community. These are strengths. Okonkwo follows the traditions of his people, which he believes in. And in his own eyes, he is the strongest of all those in his world. But the empty spots in his makeup can not be filled by increasing physical strength or acquiring more wealth.

For a period of time, Okonkwo’s tribe exiles him, and he lives with his father-in-law, Uchendu, in a neighboring village. Uchendu’s experience and wisdom could have helped Okonkwo, but he is too proud to listen.

While Okonkwo stews in his own despair at having lost his position in his tribe, Uchendu says: “You think you are the greatest sufferer in the world? … For whom is it well, for whom is it well? There is no one for whom it is well.”

Something Uchendu understood that Okonkwo did not is that life is difficult for everyone. Part of all lives is learning to continue onward amidst difficulties without abandoning our core values and beliefs.

Tradition as Weakness

Achebe’s novel explores the effects of European colonization on a “primitive” African tribe. But in his allegory, he represents a timeless conflict between the “old days” (tradition) and the “new ways” (changes). We see this same, never-ending debate today.

One question that came to me while reading this book was this: “Does every generation feel like the next generation is destroying the ‘good old days’?” I think the answer to that question is ‘yes’ but what I wanted to understand is why.

The colonists attacked, mocked, and attempted to destroy the superstitious and brutal ways of Okonkwo’s people. What Achebe leaves to the reader is the analysis of whether the tribe’s traditions ought to have changed or not. And then, the reader must also determine if the colonists are any better than the “primitives” who they have supposedly civilized.

Chinua Achebe (1966)

As I mentioned, and as is presented unapologetically by Achebe, is that some of the tribal traditions in Okonkwo’s village are simply terrible. They treat women as property with few rights. Family matters are handled entirely by the patriarch, including corporal punishment or even execution.

Many of the tribe’s traditions included superstitious beliefs in evil spirits and trickster gods who punish mortals in various ways. Traditions stemming from these beliefs lead to killing all infant twins, extreme punishments, banishment, and mutilating corpses.

For Okonkwo, however, all of these things are right, because that is how things have always been. But with the coming of the Europeans, and their subversion of his own son to Christianity, things begin to change. He cannot see his traditions objectively enough to separate those that can endure the changes forced upon him, and those which probably ought to be let go.

And at that point, Okonkwo’s world begins to fall apart.

Tradition as Strength

My thoughts as I read this book were not judgmental about the tribal people or the colonists represented in the writing. Instead, I was impressed by the skill with which the author showed both sides of the story, and I was drawn to consider the question of why change feels so scary.

Were Okonkwo’s traditions primitive and brutal? Some were, but not all. Others were admirable. Okonkwo and his people loved their families, watched over and cared for their neighbors and friends, and shared important occasions with those they loved. People in their tribe worked hard, built good relationships, and trusted one another. They lacked education about some things, like weather and death, but they were well educated in other ways, like how to farm and maximize their resources.

Overall they were good people trying to make good lives for themselves. This is probably true of almost any group of people in history.

Their traditions helped strengthen their values and teach their children the way to live and be. I think this is the real reason change is frightening for all people. When we perceive what might be a truly life-altering change approaching, deep down we worry that this new thing will take away the most valuable components of our identity.

I think we cling to our traditions as symbols of the strength of our identity. And we are probably mostly right to do so. There are things that are too valuable to let go.

This reminds me of Tevye’s words from Fiddler on the Roof:

“Because of our traditions…Every one of us knows who he is and what God expects him to do.”

Tevye’s traditions kept him safe and secure during turbulent times. Everyone in Anatevka knew what it meant to be a Jew. Every person in Okonkwo’s village knew what it meant to be Igbo.

Traditions help us maintain our identity, and keep us from constantly shifting our values and beliefs to follow the latest, hottest fad. If we don’t have that kind of anchor, we can lose hold on the things that really matter most.

The Balance

But there is a timeless and true adage.

“The only constant is change.”

We all know that the world, our situation, our thoughts, and what we know are constantly changing. Technological advances, scientific discoveries, new paradigms, unique experiences, and many other things are continuously influencing our circumstances, our opinions, and our views of the world. Most of these are beyond our sphere of control, and there is no escape from that.

Some of Okonkwo’s traditions were horrible and based in ignorance. Simultaneously, others of his traditions were important, valuable and founded in love, hard work and integrity. Our traditions are also likely a mix of both types, important and unimportant, even perhaps “good” and “evil”.

So, the challenge is to be adaptable in the areas that are not critical to who we are and to be steadfast in those that are our core values. We must be equally willing to give up things that really aren’t right morally. The only way to do this is to know what your core values are. If we don’t know that, the loudest and most insistent voices will divert us, regardless of what is right.

Core values worth keeping stem from a moral code that is founded on correct principles of action and belief. We must set our most important anchors in ethical, right behavior. If we can do that, the ever-changing opinions around us will not sway us when it matters most. All the ideas and concepts we hear will not necessarily change us. Then, we will not fear the change. We will not negatively view the next generation that is supposedly ruining everything.

Traditions, founded on a strong and right moral code, are essential to maintaining our own identity, integrity, and standards.

Real Strength

Okonkwo and Javert both lacked the same thing: a belief that people can really change. They both adhered to core values, but they lacked critical and fundamental values, such as mercy and forgiveness. Because of that, they could not withstand the storms of change.

But it did not have to be that way for them. And it does not have to be that way for us. Although change will come, we can maintain our identity and our values.

As I have written before, one of our main purposes in life is to become better than we are. Anyone can change their life for the better, but not on their own. Okonkwo had strong family ties and a united and powerful community to turn to in his despair and difficulty, but he ignored them. He thought asking for help would make him appear weak.

But none of us is strong enough to make it alone. I love this quote from Andrea del Sarto by Robert Browning:

“Ah, but a man’s reach should exceed his grasp, or what’s a heaven for?”

We need help beyond our own abilities from time to time. It is not a weakness to need help. Real strength comes from being united with those around us, maintaining our core values, and holding fast to them when life becomes difficult.

If we can do that, our lives will not ever fall apart.

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Also, you might like to read my post entitled All the Light.